mental-health – Positive, Yet Cynical

Dealing with the Mental ‘Slump’

A little expressive piece on facing a mental downer spiral.

So, let’s talk about when things get a bit heavy and your body and mental energy goes into that little slump pit. We’ve all been there, right? Well, this is where I am at as I write this.

I’d been doing pretty well, having a lot of fun engagements with people, a seemingly never-ending list of TBR’s and ARC’s to focus my mind on, and as always my brain is overwhelmed with so many imaginative story ideas.

But then a few things happened that knocked me back to the floor, you know what I mean, when loads of things happen at once? Negative situations always happen and we ride through, but when they all seem to come at the same time it’s very overwhelming.

I’d reached a bit of a blank spot with one of the novel pieces I’m working on, I was beating myself up that I am never going to be good enough as a writer, so that’s never a good mentality to be riding with. Then I got stuck down with a head cold, which ruined multiple evenings where I couldn’t do anything because all my body was forcing me to do was sleep, then I tried to reconnect with someone I thought cared about me and got ghosted. Ghosting is always a brutal and horrible experience, and that just made me sad and my slump pit deepened.

I hadn’t read anything in days, and when I go out and I’m surrounded by other people I’m fine and can engage and act normal, but as soon as I’m home everything hits me again, and it’s the super low moods that keep kicking at me.

So how do I overcome it? Or find a way to work through it? Well, multiple things really.

Some of these things inspired me to write poetry again. I do have a little side poetry project I’m working on, but I’m not ready to share all of what that’s about yet. But I look at the moments where I manage to write a poem on something even if that’s the only thing I do that day, it’s a plus. (I wrote a poem called ‘The Ghost’ which I am actually really f-ing proud of by the way)!

I have also been learning a lot about manifestations and how we mirror what we’re feeling in our everyday life experiences etc, now, a lot of people get very judgy on things like law of assumption and manifesting so I won’t go into all that, but I’ve started trying things like scripting where I write out the things I want in my life in a more positive way, with the mental impression that at some point those things will materialise, like if I write about great feedback on a book I write or how happy I am that my poetry book kicks off among other things then maybe it’ll gradually become something real. I guess watch this space on how that turns out!

I am also starting to practice Gratitude. I got a gratitude journal a couple of weeks back that I’m filling in every day, but I’m now starting to take it a bit more seriously. I’ve also read about the idea of every morning when you wake up, write out 10 things you feel blessed to have and why, and practice doing that for 28 consecutive days.

So I am giving this a go. Now, anyone who knows me well enough knows that regular routine is a struggle for me. I always dive into a certain kind of new routine or practice, and by week 2 or 3 I have ended up forgetting or giving up. So this is a new big thing for me to try and do.. 28 days is a lot. I’ve done 2 days worth so far and it really does get your brain into thinking properly about all the little things you don’t think about day to day that you should be grateful for.

I’m intrigued to see how it plays out, as 10 things a day does seem like it’ll be pretty tough once you get to day 4 onwards. But I am going to try it. And hope this will also somehow help my brain to rewire and get me out of this damn mental slump.

The point is, I’m still here, I’m still trying. It’s just universe be testing me right now. Yet I truly believe I will get there, and you’ll see a lot more from me yet 😉

Until next time.

Small Changes I’ve Made To Reduce My Anxiety.

Little things that are helping my anxiety not be in control.

I have never been secretive about the fact that I suffer from Anxiety disorder. Nor am I oblivious to the fact that the older I get, and the more life experiences (and traumas) I face, the deeper and heavier the anxiety goes.

I found myself in a position where I was having major anxiety attacks more regularly. Over everything. It’s important to note that the ‘everything’ was also a series of nothing’s. And it got to a point where I had to stop myself and acknowledge that the damage I’m doing to my own health is becoming a problem. It was time I started to try out new things to start to eliminate the anxiety.

So, here are a few practices I’ve started doing which have actually started to produce much less anxiety outbursts (I just have to stick to them now).

The No Vaping Continues

If you read one of my recent posts, you’ll know I am currently in the early stages of eliminating nicotine from my life for good. I know addicts and fellow vapers hate the fact people keep saying it’s a real difference to your mental health when you stop but honestly, for me, it is. Am I still having moments where I pine for some flavoured air because I think it’ll soothe something? Sure. But every day that I don’t cave and go longer without I notice my mind become clearer and clearer. My asthmatic lungs are taking a while to heal, but I can’t magically solve everything at once can I?

I am focusing heavily on self-love.

I know there’ll probably be eye rolls at this. But it is true what they say, you become a magnet for all the energy you give out, if you don’t fall in love with yourself and be happy with who you are then how is anything going to be good enough for you? I am leaving this paragraph brief because I’m still ironing out some stuff and research on this which I will do a separate post in detail on. But what I will say is, self-love is always an ongoing journey. Whether you’re with someone or not. Read books that inspire you to love yourself, it will make a big difference to how you think about things.

Affirmations

Yeah, I know, I’m becoming that guy. I know there is a lot of judgement on manifesting and affirmations. But I have found that having those little talks with myself when I’m feeling a certain way and need to rewire myself to remember who the fuck I am. These have made a big difference. Especially if I start doing them when I feel a little shift in my emotion or like my anxiety is being triggered. It really helps bring you back in.

I am distancing myself from actively messaging

I think I may have touched on this before. But one thing that always made me heavily upset and anxious, was how I am always a person who messages quickly, replies and reassures heavily, but I have never had the same from other people. That’s okay, I’m not taking this opportunity to dig at others. But what I learned is, the only person who is feeling awkward about this is me. I am a people-pleaser. I shouldn’t be, but I am. I have recently decided to put myself first and have hours of screen time locks and on some days, I will remove notifications for a day. Sometimes, I’ll leave my phone at home or work for a day/night. I learned from doing all this that nothing disastrous happened. Breaking myself from the consistent need to be active on my phone has really worked wonders for my brain and made me a lot more relaxed in conversations.

(Obviously, I will still stress that communication is important and you should always express boundaries and meet people halfway if you can).

I’m doing things that are good for my mind and body

I’ve recently booked to have a massage. Which doesn’t sound like much, but I never have those. My body is tense AF and I made a decision that it is probably something my body really needs to have to feel better as a whole. It’s something I’m considering doing as a regular thing to take care of my body. I am also spending more time taking ‘mindful walks’. I don’t have headphones or any distractions, I just take a walk alone and acknowledge what’s present and around me. It does so many wonders for me and it also helps me think about events and situations more clearly when the algorithm isn’t manipulating me. Also, walking is good for your body too 😉

And lastly – I am slowly working on not caring about numbers of likes or attention. This is a work in progress, which I am sure I will blog about at some point .

There you have it. There’s a lil update on personal improvements I’m making. They might not work for everyone, but it’s definitely making a solid difference in my brain wiring. Anxiety doesn’t disappear, but it can be controlled.

An 8 Day Social Media Detox

A little reflection on my social media break

In July, I made a decision that due to extreme over-stimulation, I was going to spend my holiday completely off of all social media app’s, including Whatsapp.

It may sound like a bizarre decision to make but it was something I thought I really needed to focus on. The last few months have been a complete whirlwind for me, I’m still struggling with certain things but I’ve been extremely active regularly on my social media pages with my reading updates and writing (even though, I struggle a lot with the latter lately).

It was brought to my attention that I was overstimulated, working 40(+) hours a week and then trying to keep up to date with being relevant online plus organising your own living space, trying to find the time to write anything etc. my phone was stitched to my hand pretty much. And I was doing that annoying thing I think most of us do with our phones – the looking at an app, coming out of it, only to jump back in 2 seconds later (honestly, what do we think is new at that point?).

My detox was from the Friday evening, right through to the following Saturday evening. I put screen limits on my phone so that all my apps were not accessible while I was away. As I was going on a family holiday I had to leave texts/calls open but other than that I restricted everything.

The initial goal I had was: have time away from the apps, use it to clear my head, spend some free time writing and doing some self-development work.

One of the bizarre things I felt when I started this was guilt. As someone who struggles a lot with anxiety, I can be the first to understand how much silence from another person can trigger someone. However, I am a bit on the fence with some areas of this, I think as a human race, we have become very dependent on immediacy, especially from others. We need to learn to slow down (I know, I am not one to talk on this) and also appreciate that not everyone is available 24/7. No-one should be.

I did respect others in my decision though by sending messages to the people I am likely to hear from to advise them I would be off grid for just over a week. So nobody panics. So once that good deed was done, I shut it all off and went ahead with my plan.

Did it all go to plan? Almost.

I did manage to go the whole time without opening any of the app’s. It was hard at first, but I never caved. The things that didn’t go to plan was the other bits. Turns out, when you’re holidaying with family and having to share a room with a younger family member, your personal plans and requirements go out the window a little bit.

It was also a difficult process because I also decided to quit vaping cold turkey at the same time (a separate post on nicotine withdrawal to come later), and still coming to terms with my thyroid medication being a bit all over the place and the nonstop heat. So there were times I could have done with distracting myself on social media, but I still was determined and didn’t cave 🙂

(I would also like to randomly push in here that in case you weren’t aware… you can get sunburn on your feet. It’s not comfortable. Cream up).

But all my little obstacles and dilemmas aside, here are the positive things I have taken away from my detox:

A change of plan with some writing – Although I got zero writing done due to distractions, I did have a lot of time to think about why I was struggling a bit with my novel I’m trying to write. It occurred to me that there was an underlying issue with my general idea, so I am now taking it on from a whole new plot point, but I feel more confident about where this one is going now. It also gave me time to come up with some other novel draft ideas. (Yes, this does mean I am starting my novel again a little bit. But I am still going with the wing it plan and am hoping to get a massive chunk of it done by September).

I had fresher ideas and perspectives without social media influence – I cannot begin to tell you how much clearer my brain felt after being completely ignorant to social media for a while. There was no algorithm suggestions making me rethink things or influencing my ideas. I just had time to adjust to and think the way I wanted to.

I now know that although it’s a necessity these days, I don’t have to be on it all the time – Spoiler alert – the detox and not using apps for a week did not kill me. I didn’t miss anything life threatening or critical. The world carried on without me, and I caught up in my own time. I think this is an important factor for me to focus on, especially now that I’m back online and trying to regularly post again.

Yes, it’s good to stay in the know and updated on everyone and everything, but we let FOMO hit us way too much I think. After doing this detox, I am now trying to be a bit more disciplined with my usage… I have screen time locks at night now, I put it on dnd whenever I am out or about to work or do something that needs my attention, I turned my notifications off – so I only go into the apps when I want to.

I am hoping I can stick to these routines now (it would really help my writing motivation if I could) but I am not only proud of myself for managing that whole time without it, but I’m confident that I am another big step closer to not letting my anxiety overcome me when it comes to phones and communication, and maybe I will be able to achieve my 2026 goals after all?

Finding myself as a Writer with ADHD.

This year I set myself the goal of really focusing on my writing more and getting myself into a position where my novel draft (or drafts) are done and I am in a position to publish some poetry in 2027 as well as start being in an editing/publishing mindset that year for my novel(s).

Ambitious, right? It especially is when you have ADHD. I thought I’d write a little post (because you know, that’s how I express myself) about the different things I have learned in my writing stages while also tackling my extremely overactive hyper brain!

ADHD is a blessing when it comes to writing, having an overactive mind can be amazing because I am full of ideas every single day. The trick is, to plan it out constructively and not overwhelm myself with too many ideas at once.

How do I do this? Well, instead of giving up on novel 1 and diverting to something different every other day. I started a ‘writing jar’. When I have an idea for a plot or a story, I jot it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. That way I won’t forget the story idea (because my brain be forgetful) but I’m not losing focus on what I want to currently work on.

There’s a lot of good classes and workshops out there to progress in writing. But they’re not all for me.

One common issue with ADHD, is the impulsiveness we’re pre-wired with. It’s easy to see something advertised and jump on it (much to my bank balances dismay). Trying to get myself into a good position as a writer, means I found myself very easily attracted to any kind of advice book or workshop that involved writing. However, every writer and their writing style is different.

As an example, one thing I have learned for me personally.. all-day online workshops are not for me. It’s nothing against those workshops, it’s a me thing. If I attend a day workshop in person I’m fine. There’s just something about being online watching something for a consecutive number of hours sitting in my flat alone, I find myself too distracted and I can’t engage. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. It’s a learning curve and I now know that sticking to certain workshops that are a maximum of 2.5-3 hours an evening are the one’s I can stick with.

I also found myself diving in to too many various types of writing courses. Truthfully, I am fascinated by a wide variety of genres, I read pretty much anything. I’d love to be able to write novels that are not always exactly the same type of trope or genre. But what I have had to learn is, focus on one at a time. The novel I am working on currently is enough, any other ideas can go into the jar for now.

Also, as cheesy as it sounds.. if something is meant to be, it’ll find me at the right time. I shouldn’t push myself to do more beforehand.

The most difficult thing I find with ADHD and trying to write, is I am hyper-fixated on ideas and plots every day when I am not at my desk or with a notepad in hand. When it comes to the times I want to write it all out, my brain is fried and the motivation seems to have dug its own coffin deep underground. How I try to navigate around this? I have started doing things in ‘small doses’ rather than pushing myself to do large chunks, I’ll give myself small timeframes to just work on something. Whether it is jotting down a poem, working on my novel draft or general writing my feelings in a prose piece, I set small time schedules e.g. 30 minutes a night. Then, if I manage to feel inspired to do longer, fabulous. If I don’t, at least that’s half hour done on something. It’s better than nothing after all.

Now to my next point. And probably most importantly, the biggest struggle with ADHD is a lovely little side condition called RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). I struggle with this in general day to day life, but with writing it is ten times harder. I might still be working on novel writing, but my blog posts and poetry pieces are shared on social media often. Whether it’s algorithms playing up a bit so people aren’t engaging enough, or people don’t like what I’m sharing (which is allowed, we all have opinions), I overwhelm myself too much with the lack of likes or engagements that my posts get.

I try hard not to, and as part of trying to change my mindset into a more positive one (like my writing, it’s a work in progress), I am trying not to use the number of likes (or lack of) as an indication of who I am as a writer. I need to remember why I am writing and how much I have progressed as a writer in recent times. This should be my mindset, not upset myself over thinking that social media is an indication of what my talents are.

Like with everything I write and do. It is all a learning curve, a work in progress. I’m hoping that this post makes a bit of sense – it is another typical Zoë waffling random rubbish thing so apologies if it’s all just a mess and doesn’t really give any good answers.

Just remember that having ADHD (or any condition that might make you work a bit differently for that matter) isn’t always a curse.

Everyone works in their own ways and own pace, there’s no right or wrong way to proceed.

Modern Common Phrases We Need To Stop Using

We go through life learning many little quotes and phrases, some more famous than others e.g. ‘everything happens for a reason’ – but there’s a lot of quotes that have become regularly used and influenced in recent years that have started to bug me, and I really wish would stop being the narrative people use for various situations. So not that anyone asked for it, but here are my bug bear common phrases that I think we need to eliminate and why…

“If they wanted to they would” – I’m beyond sick of hearing/reading this all over the place. I don’t think it’s really that simple, at all. I may get a bit of backlash on this one because a lot of people feel very passionately about this however, my stance on this is, it is never that simple. We are now living in a world where we are beyond overstimulated all of the time. Our brains are acting non-stop against us. From my own personal experience, I have had situations where I really want to reach out and do something, but there are so many other things that get in the way. Not to mention the fear of how it would be received. Everyone is stuck in their own internal bubble and sometimes people back away for their own personal reasons, maybe it’s too much right now, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t ‘want to’.

Not to mention, as a heavy reader – I have read so many books where the main trope of the book consists of one of the main characters being in love with the other one and the other, has no clue (until later in the book obviously), which just goes to show how common it is that people will struggle with what to say or hide away from what they want through fear. I am not saying everyone who doesn’t appear to ‘make an effort’ cares or is in love with you, but what I am saying is that it is genuinely not that simple. Period.

“That’s just how I am” – I will keep this short and sweet. This narrative is generally used when someone is trying to justify their own poor behaviours or personalities when they refuse to accept someone else’s boundaries or needs. Self-awareness is important. You don’t have to change your entire personality to suit someone else, but you DO need to look more into “I need to work on that” then expecting everyone to cater to you when you would not do the same as them. It’s about balance.

“Other people have it worse” – Why are we always in a competition to see who has the worst time of things, seriously? We seem to forget that everyone has their own boundaries, their own traits and habits, different things will hurt people. I think the problem is that people who have been through trauma, can’t understand how someone who is going through something ‘minor’ to them is so down and hurting. But life is not a competition. In any way. We can’t compare our levels of sadness or success to someone else, as it will always be perceived differently per person. It is okay for anyone to feel however they want to feel about a situation, and they shouldn’t be victimised into feeling like their sadness or their problems do not matter just because someone else ‘had it worse’.

I think I’m done with my little night time vent now about annoying phrases, obviously these are just my own views on things and some people might not like it or think very differently to it but thanks for reading my vent anyway if you made it this far 🙂

A Reflection of Feelings Lately

I’ve been a bit off the grid lately with my writing and blog posts, a lot of it is down to May being a really busy month where I turned 40 and had loads of different fun things to do and lots of events and occasions followed by back to work which made my free-time pretty minimal.

The other side of it though, is that I’ve been a bit all over the place emotionally as I try to process a lot of different things and finally take the time to put the work into different parts of me that I want to work on.

The motivation to write has been pretty poor, but I know that will pass. I’ve just been trying to adjust to different feelings lately and also trying to figure out where the hell I want to go and what I want to do.

My brain has always been chaotic, it’s just how it works. I’m not very good at planning ahead or being organised with things I want to do, that’s unfortunately a part of me I think I can never change drastically. So a lot of the time, my actions are spontaneous and I say and do things too quickly. I am trying to work on that, I know I can’t completely change my brain function and who I am or how I feel about things, but I can at least try to step away and breathe a little before I do something.

As you know, if you’ve read some of my other posts, I have ADHD and a lovely dash of anxiety disorder, which means I function with anxious attachment styles and constantly stressing and overthinking every scenario possible. It means my brain never shuts off, and every single conversation or event in my life gets a whole series of panic and overthinking afterwards. But one of my biggest issues is, I dump my loneliness on other people a bit too much, and start depending on hearing from people or getting messages etc and if I don’t then I make the assumption that it’s obviously because they don’t like me, hate something I’ve said, want to erase me from their life. (Yes, I am that dramatic)

The thing is, it was only recently when I started going through some stuff and taking time away from my phone and not actively messaging constantly that I started to realise what it was like on the other side of things. I have been intentionally spending less time on social media, leaving my phone at home, not checking Whatsapp often and acknowledging messages are there but not getting around to replying to them for a day or so later, and I realised that, I have no idea what the other people around me are going through and what their reasons may be for not reaching out or talking to me. It took me being in a position where I needed to get away from things for my own personal reasons and take some time to reflect and work on my own thought processes that I thought, this isn’t a personal retaliation to anyone I know. This is about something I need to do right now and we are sadly in a generational lifestyle now where we all expect immediacy in everything. In reality, I can’t give anyone immediate attention right now, I’m working on a lot of important things in the background for myself and it doesn’t change what I think or feel about somebody.
We never know what another person is thinking or feeling. I have people that I can’t talk to, for different reasons I won’t go into. But it doesn’t erase the fact that I still have them in my thoughts consistently or still feel a certain way or care about them. I have family members I don’t talk to for weeks and I don’t question if we’re still related, it’s all about understanding that we all have our own stuff going on. None of our brains are the same and we all handle different things in our own ways. I’m glad I sort of went into a ‘block out’ mode recently, as it has really helped me see things in a different way.

I’ve still got a lot of things I want to do, and I’m hoping to have some really productive writing underway in the next few weeks, but it is hard (I will do a different post on writing struggles later) but I am taking things one step at a time. Trying to understand my own brain and find new ways to do things or look at things, even when my brain will actively go into anxious chaos mode and try to make me see the worst.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of me posting all this was, other than having an outlet to express why I’ve been so quiet and also let out a little bit of how my mind works and my brain is feeling.

I think I just have to remind myself that not every feeling I have is as factual as I think it is, and also working on myself right now is the most important thing I can do and it is okay to put that first and the right people will understand that, just as I am coming to understand not to feel so negatively and get personally upset if people around me are needing to do the same.

Battling Imposter Syndrome

Have you ever felt like everything is a case of luck and that you’re the one who’s always unlucky? Do you always feel like no matter how accomplished you might feel with something, it’s not quite good enough, or even if it does meet your standards, that you don’t deserve it, and someone out there is going to expose you and remind you? If you feel like this a lot, then chances are that you’re just like me and you struggle with Imposter Syndrome.

I can’t remember a time where I didn’t feel overwhelmed with the idea of perfectionism. Everything has to be in some form of perfect perceived way otherwise it’s not real. Not to mention, I consistently feel like I don’t deserve any of the positivity or credit. I’m always reminding myself that there’s someone out there that is better than me, or deserves more than I do.

Social media doesn’t help, when we are constantly battling for likes and attention on every platform possible and it is beyond degrading when it feels like no-one likes what I’m putting out there to the world. Imposter syndrome is especially hard when I’m struggling to be a writer. I have a jar I keep filling with random novel ideas (I’m not kidding, it’s a literal glass jar on my writing desk that I shove little idea notes in to come back to later), constantly coming up with and posting poetry and prose. But I always feel like I am never going to be deserving of being good enough to make it in the writing world.

One really big symptom of Imposter syndrome that I wasn’t aware of until recently when I dug a bit deeper into the background of it, is burnout and overworking. This is something I am so guilty of. It’s really bad the things I do to my body to overwork myself into some form of perfectionism. I have skipped meals multiple times, worked insanely long hours, slept late because I feel like if I don’t prove myself and put things out there right now that everyone will realise I am useless and a fraud.

It’s a horrible vicious cycle that I don’t quite know how to push myself out of. The bizarre reality of it all is, I’ve not had anyone (yet) insult my writing skills, or what I post, or made me feel like I’m rubbish and wasting my time at my dream. So why am I in a position where I feel like the moment something officially happens for me, that I’ll be exposed as someone who is never good enough?

The truth is, I have no idea. All I can do is ride the waves of the lows and hope that I can prove my own inner demons and self doubts wrong. The truth is there will be people out there who won’t back me, who won’t enjoy whatever work I put out there. That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to live my dream though does it?

Writing has become my therapy with imposter syndrome and trying to battle it and overcome it in my own little ways. It’s easy for me to write sad poetry, or prose about being broken or failing, but now I’m trying to lean towards writing more positive things. Big myself up more. Remind myself that we are all deserving of the lives we really want. Whether I overcome imposter syndrome and make something out of my dreams, only time is going to tell on that one.

But I’m not going to give up. Watch this space.