Have you ever felt like everything is a case of luck and that you’re the one who’s always unlucky? Do you always feel like no matter how accomplished you might feel with something, it’s not quite good enough, or even if it does meet your standards, that you don’t deserve it, and someone out there is going to expose you and remind you? If you feel like this a lot, then chances are that you’re just like me and you struggle with Imposter Syndrome.
I can’t remember a time where I didn’t feel overwhelmed with the idea of perfectionism. Everything has to be in some form of perfect perceived way otherwise it’s not real. Not to mention, I consistently feel like I don’t deserve any of the positivity or credit. I’m always reminding myself that there’s someone out there that is better than me, or deserves more than I do.
Social media doesn’t help, when we are constantly battling for likes and attention on every platform possible and it is beyond degrading when it feels like no-one likes what I’m putting out there to the world. Imposter syndrome is especially hard when I’m struggling to be a writer. I have a jar I keep filling with random novel ideas (I’m not kidding, it’s a literal glass jar on my writing desk that I shove little idea notes in to come back to later), constantly coming up with and posting poetry and prose. But I always feel like I am never going to be deserving of being good enough to make it in the writing world.
One really big symptom of Imposter syndrome that I wasn’t aware of until recently when I dug a bit deeper into the background of it, is burnout and overworking. This is something I am so guilty of. It’s really bad the things I do to my body to overwork myself into some form of perfectionism. I have skipped meals multiple times, worked insanely long hours, slept late because I feel like if I don’t prove myself and put things out there right now that everyone will realise I am useless and a fraud.
It’s a horrible vicious cycle that I don’t quite know how to push myself out of. The bizarre reality of it all is, I’ve not had anyone (yet) insult my writing skills, or what I post, or made me feel like I’m rubbish and wasting my time at my dream. So why am I in a position where I feel like the moment something officially happens for me, that I’ll be exposed as someone who is never good enough?
The truth is, I have no idea. All I can do is ride the waves of the lows and hope that I can prove my own inner demons and self doubts wrong. The truth is there will be people out there who won’t back me, who won’t enjoy whatever work I put out there. That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to live my dream though does it?
Writing has become my therapy with imposter syndrome and trying to battle it and overcome it in my own little ways. It’s easy for me to write sad poetry, or prose about being broken or failing, but now I’m trying to lean towards writing more positive things. Big myself up more. Remind myself that we are all deserving of the lives we really want. Whether I overcome imposter syndrome and make something out of my dreams, only time is going to tell on that one.
But I’m not going to give up. Watch this space.
Positive, Yet Cynical 