When we were young, dating always seemed like such a fun and exciting thing we couldn’t wait to get into. Unfortunately for me, and a lot of people possibly reading this, it has become a much more complicated nightmare over the years and also something I personally didn’t expect to still be trying to navigate as I’m turning 40!
A little background on my shameful history… I have spent the last decade or so always being the rebound temporary chick with every guy I meet. No matter how nice, different or unique each situation may seem.. I always end up being the one who’s hurting and upset like I’ve experienced a big heartbreak (isn’t it weird how situationships can hurt so much now?) while a guy will be able to completely disregard any feelings he had for me and move on happily content without me in their life anymore. Within a short space of time, all these guys will also then find the girl that they were ready to have a relationship with (how convenient) and I cannot begin to describe how horrible that feeling is and how much it stings each time.
Although these experiences may hurt, there are many things I have learned over the years from various dating app drama’s, cringe dates, and conversations with friends going through similar things, which I think people take for granted. So I’m going to break down some important dating life lessons that I have learned, which you may find useful, or just enjoy to read 🙂
Don’t swipe for the wrong reasons
Seems like an obvious one and goes without saying, but it’s actually not that obvious. If there’s one thing I have discovered over the years both for myself and others when it comes to dating apps at certain points in life is that people are swiping because they think they have to! What I mean by that is, society makes us believe that being single is weird or wrong. Eventually we get to a point where we get bored and go on dating apps to cure some boredom and see what we can find. But are you actually on a dating app because you want to date someone? Are you looking for a person to date or just someone to fill the void? Because if it’s the latter, you should probably delete the app.
Take your time and don’t just settle
I’m going to break this down simply. There are a lot of people who ‘settle’ for the first thing that comes along because they’re scared of being on their own, or worse, being judged for being on their own. You should never feel like you have to be with someone. Be with them for the right reasons, because you connect with them, you’re attracted to them, you see potential in them. That’s not to say that the first person you meet after a breakup or when you step out into the dating game isn’t going to be the one, they might be. Don’t rush things, take your time to get to know the person you’re interested in. You don’t have to jump into labels and extremities within the first few months of getting to know someone. It is okay and also perfectly normal to be a bit uncertain in the early stages with someone. Especially with the ‘battlefield’ of dating being as big and ugly as it is now. Which brings me to my next point…
Don’t let FOBO ruin a good thing
We’re all familiar with FOMO (fear of missing out) but when it comes to dating, I learned in recent years of another term ‘Fear of a Better offer’ – what this means is, because of the way the dating apps are all there at our fingertips now, we can genuinely get chatting to someone or get a date any time we want. No matter what, there are always loads of profiles on the apps to scroll through. This is the problem. We now have so many ‘options’ to sift through that it’s made us develop those little jitters of ‘I really like this person, but what if I date them and then someone else I really want pops up’, again, jitters are normal in any dating situation. It’s scary letting someone in. But is it really worth the risk of spending another year or so scrolling through horrendous dates on the apps and kicking yourself because that person you had those fun dates with last year might have actually been the right person but you were too worried that someone else might appeal more and now you’ve messed it all up?
Just make sure you really think things through before you make that decision to walk away from someone who may have the potential to be the best thing that happened to you, because trust me, you’ll regret it later.
Your friends’ situations are NOT the same as yours.
We all have friends we talk to about our partners or dating life, whether it be your mates at work or your closest friends in your own little group chat. Screenshots get shared, anxieties are expressed and the general lowdown on your dating life or situationship is discussed. It is important to remember that every single human being is different, we’re all programmed differently. If we weren’t then life would be boring. That being said, there are going to be times when your friends may say certain things to you that they consider normal or acceptable behaviour in dating, but it may not necessarily be the same in yours. For example, you may be in a situation where the person you want is in a dark place, they don’t have the mental capacity to give you what you want right now, so you’re having to step away while they heal and see if it works out okay. Your friend may not agree with this situation and express that they and their partner worked through their troubles together – you can ultimately take this the wrong way and assume the person you wanted doesn’t like or respect you enough to make it work like your friend’s partner did. But it’s important to remember those two people are not the same. Not everyone thinks the same way and we all have different behaviours and reactions to things. Take any advice or stories from a friend with a pinch of salt. Don’t expect your story to be the same as those around you, because it won’t be.
Respect the timing and that it sometimes isn’t ideal
If you watch any romantic comedy or read any romance novel, it isn’t five minutes long with two people meeting and then they date and live happily ever after. In most of these scenarios, it’s always some love triangle, friends who haven’t been honest about how they feel, people who had a bad date or dated in the past and then get thrown back together in a chain of events that draws them back to each other. These stories are fabricated to make it interesting, but these sorts of things do happen in real life. We cross paths with different people at different stages in our lives, sometimes it’s not the most ideal time and you can’t make it work when you want to. It doesn’t mean that it will always be that way. Of course, I’m not saying that you should sit and wait until your 80’s for that dream person who may or may not come back, what I’m saying is trust the process sometimes. Sometimes timing sucks, but use those situations as a stepping stone, not an expression of failure.
Lastly, be in it for the person, not the novelty
When I met a guy and had my situationship period, I was always very loyal and believed it would go somewhere, but one common pattern I had in the past was, whenever it ended, i was straight back on the app (within minutes of them ending things usually). I would obsess over finding that next distraction. It was only in my most recent experience, with a guy I genuinely liked and felt a real connection with, that when we had to pull the brakes because of our own personal issues and just be ‘friends for now’, I had no desire at all to jump on to any dating app or speak to any other guy. This was when I learned that, in a lot of my previous experiences, I was just dating people for the sake of being with someone and craving a connection that I wasn’t going to find because I was just going for the next available option.
I’m not implying I think I should wait around for someone to change their mind. But the reality is he probably has no feelings for me anymore whatsoever in that way and never has an intention of seeing me in a romantic way again, he may already be interested in someone else. The point is, I did have genuine feelings, and I was fully aware that I was not going to be over him any time soon and therefore I was not in a mental or emotional position to date anybody for the right reasons. It’s important that you are focused on the connection with a person and not just the excitement of dating for the sake of it.
Dating in this world is scary as hell, we’re all terrified of letting our guard down and being hurt again. Trust is difficult. It’s not an overnight fix. Just don’t give up on it, communicate openly, be sure to express your boundaries early on to avoid confusion (and also weed out the bad ones) and trust that it will all work out.
Trust the timing.
Trust the process.
Trust yourself.
Positive, Yet Cynical 